CLUB TIME TRIALLING – THE RULES
1. Sign-on times: In a world where time is of the essence, there is no need to turn up at sign-on within the allocated times. Clubs will be only too happy to sign you on 30 seconds before sign on closes, and even if you’re late, most clubs will gladly give you a number if you persist enough.
2. Directions: There’s no need to familiarise yourself with the course, particularly for sporting courses with a complex series of turns. You will find your way back somehow and, even if you don’t, your friends will be super impressed when you tell them “you were on for a 19” at 10 miles. The timekeepers didn’t mind waiting around at all whilst you went on your two hour escapade, and you made those mosquitoes’ day.
3. Timekeeping devices: The timekeeper is always wrong! If your GPS says you did one second quicker than the timekeeper’s super accurate, radio controlled clock, then they will be only too happy to update your time at the end. Showing them how you were five seconds quicker on the time trial course Strava segment will endear you even more to the man with the clock, so make sure you make full use of those satellites which are accurately recording your time – after all, GPS satellites are only 20,000km above the earth.
4. Timekeepers at the finish: Timekeepers have a lonely existence in the finishing layby. When you’ve finished your ride, they’ll welcome you coming to chat with them and questioning their time – particularly if you have any questions regarding point 3 above. The best place to stand is just in the timekeeper’s line of sight of the finish line – it is a good test of visionary development.
5. Position your number nice and high: Put your number nice and high on your back – timekeepers enjoy the “match the bike/helmet/kit/birthmark on the left calf with the rider” game in the finishing layby when they cannot see your number.
6. No need to shout your number across the finish line: Some riders may advise that you should shout your number as you cross the finishing line. Again, save your vocal chords for the “I was on for a 19, but…” conversation in the club house for the same reasons as point 5 above.
7. Numbers: Our time trial numbers only cost £200 a set, so feel free to keep it as a souvenir when you’ve completed your test as our bank manager is used (and willing!) to provide us with unlimited loans to purchase more. He’s a cyclist, you know.
8. Payment: If you’ve forgotten to bring your hard earned cash to pay for your ride (or if you simply had to empty to cat litter tray instead of going to the cash machine), don’t worry – you can pay next week – if you turn up. Even if you don’t, remember that bank manager. He’s a cyclist, you know.
9. Road bikes: If you have had a tough few weeks of training, have felt a bit under the weather or simply can’t cope with the humiliation of being beaten by Gertrude Miggins (age 65) – then just turn up on your road bike. When you ride your slowest time ever – and Gertrude beats you by three minutes over 10 – it doesn’t matter. You were on a road bike and would surely have gone at least six minutes faster on a time trial bike. Make sure everyone knows about it as they will undoubtedly be hugely impressed by your non-aero endeavours.
10. New time triallers: If you’re new to time trialling and plan to ride your first 10 on your mountain bike, don’t worry about turning up late and getting the last number: your friendly time keepers will be more than happy to become a mosquito’s dinner as they wait for you to finish.
11. Helpers: There’s no need to ever help out at a time trial or, god forbid, join the committee. These souls are only too happy to spend all their time taking on multiple roles at the club and sacrifice their own rides (every time) in order for you to get a ride. Make these people feel even better about themselves and their goodness to society by ensuring you never, EVER, commit to marshaling duties.
“An amusing look at the Race of Truth”